Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Randomize
