My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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