Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
The air was thick with penises
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
