Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
