3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
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