Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
