I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Randomize
