You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize