a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
