seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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