Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
