Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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