I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Randomize
