he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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