that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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