I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Your penis caused this!
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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