I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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