So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
