Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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