Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Welp...herpes.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
