There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
