I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
