I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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