Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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