I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
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