Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
