thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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