I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
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