She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
my liver is dry heaving
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
