The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom