I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
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Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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