I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
