Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
