Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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