They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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