I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
