im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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