I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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