I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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