just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
I just found puke in my bra..
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
