Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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