Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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