paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
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why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
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All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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