it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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