Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize