I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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