Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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