when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
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