This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
