4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
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