I don't usually arrange sex via text message
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
