You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
