yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
