The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
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